Planning a funeral
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Assistance and advice- What to do when someone dies
- Planning a funeral
If this is the case, arranging the funeral is a little simpler. If not, a range of decisions will need to be made - from the type of funeral and where to hold it, right the way through to the choice of music and readings.
On this page:
What to do firstFinding a funeral director
Key decisions to make
Arranging the ceremony
Religious ceremonies
Civil ceremonies
Memorial ceremonies
The tribute or eulogy
Letting people know
The documents you'll need
Paying for the funeral
Fees and charges
Repatriation for an overseas funeral
Coping with bereavement
Helping children
As a first step, you will need to check if the deceased had a pre-paid funeral plan.
If they did, it is important to find the paperwork as soon as possible and to follow the instructions.
Similarly, if the deceased had reserved or arranged payment for a plot in a cemetery, it is important to have this information to hand before visiting the funeral director.
If the coroner is involved then you need to inform the funeral director.
He/she will liaise with the coroner's officer as to when the body will be released for burial or cremation.
Most funerals are arranged through a funeral director.
Funeral directors and their staff are expert professionals, able to deal sensitively with important arrangements at a difficult time. Help and guidance is part of what you're paying for, so you should feel free to ask as many questions as you like.
For help with finding funeral directors in your area, please call us on 0800 195 2924.
We suggest you choose a funeral director who belongs to a professional association, such as the National Association of Funeral Directors (NAFD) or the Society of Allied and Independent Funeral Directors (SAIF) as these associations have codes of practice, designed to protect your interests and resolve any complaints.
When you see the funeral director he/she will guide you through a number of important decisions.
You may like some time to think things through, so consider the following:
Do you want to see the deceased at the funeral home?
You should consider this carefully, and then ask the funeral director to arrange a visit if this is something you would like to do.
Will the funeral be a cremation or a burial?
If you are unsure what the deceased would have wanted, ask other relatives and make a decision so you can advise the funeral director. It may also be helpful to find out what other family members have chosen or to ask for guidance from a faith leader.
Sometimes there are practical issues to be taken into consideration, such as whether there is space in a cemetery and the cost of a plot.
Please don't be embarrassed to discuss these matters with the funeral director; he/she is there to help.
Where would you like the funeral to be held?
You will probably know the choices you have locally but there may be other places that you don't yet know about. The funeral director will be able to tell you about all available locations.
What type of coffin would you like?
There are many types to choose from in addition to the traditional wooden coffin. Alternatives include wicker, bamboo, cardboard - and many others; some of which can be decorated in a way which personalises them to the deceased.
The funeral director will show examples and pictures of the options available.
Is there anyone who would like to help carry the coffin?
If so, you should discuss this with the funeral director.
What about clothing, jewellery and personal items?
For example, is the deceased to be dressed in their own clothes or in something provided by the funeral director?
Please talk to the funeral director about this as some types of clothing may not be permitted.
Usually, items of jewellery are removed and given back to you before the funeral. The funeral director will ask you if this is what you would like to happen. It is not possible to recover any items of jewellery after the coffin has been received at a crematorium.
Please also ask the funeral director about personal items you may wish to place in the coffin as there may be restrictions stated by the cemetery or crematorium. The funeral director will be able to explain the reasons for these.
Do you want a newspaper announcement?
If so, the funeral director can arrange this for you.
When is the best time to hold the funeral?
For example, if family and friends are travelling from far away, later in the day may be preferable.
Do you want to ask for flowers or for donations to a special charity?
Again, the funeral director will advise you on how this works and, if appropriate, collect and pass on the money for you.
Who will need to travel in the funeral director's limousines?
This is usually close family members and friends only, but your funeral director will be able to advise you.
Will the cars leaving from the house follow the hearse or will the mourners assemble at the place of the ceremony?
It's worth remembering that people travelling by public transport will appreciate a lift from the place of ceremony to the venue where refreshments are being served. Those using their own vehicles will probably be pleased to help out if they are aware of the need.
Do you want a printed order of service?
Many funeral directors can now provide an order of service for you, including a photograph of the deceased.
Will you need to provide refreshments afterwards?
If so, where, what sort and for how many? Often mourners are invited back to the family home or to a hall or hotel for something to eat and drink - and to remember the deceased.
Decide what you think is right for you and ask family and friends to help arrange it. People are only too pleased to have something practical to do in the days leading up to the funeral, so accept all offers of help.
The funeral director can make these arrangements for you if you prefer.
Every person is an individual, so it naturally follows that many relatives and friends wish to create a unique ceremony to remember their loved one.
Funerals tend to have a number of elements:
- Expressing the grief of the mourners
- Giving comfort to the mourners (if this forms part of the deceased's beliefs/faith)
- Remembering and celebrating the life of the person who has died
Your funeral director will help to create the ceremony that is right for you. If you don't already know who you would like to conduct the funeral, he/she will be able to recommend an appropriate person.
The funeral director will make the practical arrangements and ask the person conducting the funeral to contact you and arrange a meeting. He/she will also be aware of what is possible at your chosen venue in terms of numbers and what music can be used; for example, whether there is an organist or whether recorded music can be played.
Many people find a ceremony that is established and familiar (according to their faith and/or cultural tradition) is extremely helpful and comforting.
Please make sure that you tell the funeral director of any specific needs, as not everyone is familiar with the numerous variations of practice within different faiths and denominations.
If you are having hymns or religious readings, you can ask to see the actual text that will be spoken as there may be different translations/versions. It is also important to be aware that many hymns can be sung to different tunes - again the funeral director or minister of religion will be able to advise you.
Many ministers will also agree to incorporate a personal element into a funeral, such as recorded music or a non-religious reading so please discuss this with them.
A period of silence as well as formal prayers may also be appropriate.
A civil funeral ceremony focuses on celebrating the life of the person who has died. It is created by a professional celebrant who will come and talk with you about the wide range of choices for content and the style of the ceremony. Your funeral director will know if there is a civil funeral celebrant in your area.
It is still possible to include some religious content, such as a prayer or a hymn (or both). Also, by including a period of silence, you will enable those who wish to pray to do so.
You can find civil funeral celebrants by contacting the Institute of Civil Funerals:
The Institute of Civil Funerals
Suite 1, The High Oak Business Centre, Porters Lodge, Collett Road,
Ware, SG12 7LY
Tel: 01920 898156
Email: ask@iocf.org.uk
Website: www.iocf.org.uk
The British Humanist Association (BHA) also offers completely secular ceremonies conducted by humanist officiants.
They have published a booklet called 'Funerals without God', for officiants and families wishing to conduct this type of ceremony themselves:
The British Humanist Association
1 Gower Street, London, WC1E 6HD
Tel: 020 7079 3580
Email: info@humanism.org.uk
Website: www.humanism.org.uk
In some areas, individual freelance celebrants, from either a religious or secular background, offer to conduct bespoke ceremonies. They advertise with funeral directors or in the press and some families may know of them by word of mouth.
A funeral includes the burial or cremation of the deceased; a memorial ceremony does not.
A memorial ceremony can take place some time later, giving more time for planning and preparation and the chance for more people to attend.
It is a choice worth considering if you would like the actual funeral to be very private.
Memorials can be arranged by the family but often a professional organisation such as the deceased's place of work or education will be keen to assist.
Unless it is not permitted within a particular faith or cultural tradition, a central feature of the funeral ceremony is the tribute or eulogy for the person who has died.
This may be delivered by the minister or celebrant, one member of the family or a close friend, or it may comprise several short pieces by a number of people.
If the minister or celebrant is to deliver the tribute, he/she will usually ask family members and friends to note down particular aspects of the deceased's character or anecdotes - especially if they did not know the deceased personally.
If family or friends deliver the eulogy, it is also a good idea for them to have written notes in case they become too distressed to speak in public during the ceremony and need to hand over to someone else.
Personal contributions are often very moving and emotionally demanding, but they can also be very rewarding for the people delivering them. Gentle humour is often included which encourages a sense of celebration and gratitude for the life of the person being remembered.
You will need to tell people when and where the funeral is to be held.
Usually family and friends will be only too happy to help with this task, so let them help and only make the calls you feel like making.
Most people will attend a funeral wearing fairly formal clothing in sombre colours - unless they have been asked otherwise. If you would like them to wear a specific item, or to dress in bright or casual clothes, you'll need to let them know.
Most of the paperwork will be dealt with by the funeral director.
There are some forms that the family or executor must sign, but with the exception of the 'green form' issued by the registrar of deaths, the funeral director will assist you.
Here are the forms you should be aware of:
If the funeral is to be a burial
1. An application form to purchase a new grave or to re-open an existing plot. The existing Deeds will normally be required for this second option.
OR
If the funeral is to be a cremation
2. An application form to have the deceased cremated otherwise called cremation form 1. This has to be accompanied by a form stating how the ashes are to be dealt with. It is possible for these to be stored by the crematorium or the funeral director if you have not yet decided what to do with them.
The cremation forms 4, 5 and 10. Form 4 is usually completed by the same doctor who issued the Medical Certificate of Cause of Death; form 5 by a doctor who was independent of the care of the deceased; and the form 10 by the Medical Referee who is on the staff of the crematorium. These forms are usually dealt with by the funeral director.
There is normally a charge for these forms which will appear as one of the disbursements on the invoice from the funeral director.
If the coroner has been involved, he/she will issue cremation form 6 to the funeral director to forward to the crematorium permitting a cremation to take place. There is no charge for this.
3. The 'green certificate' (certificate for disposal) issued by the register office. If the coroner has ordered a post-mortem examination or if there is to be an inquest, this is replaced by documentation from the coroner.
The person who arranges the funeral is responsible for paying the final bill and it is important to know where this money is to come from.
The funeral director will understand if you are anxious about this and it will be helpful to both parties if you explain your concerns very early on in your discussions, and definitely before you sign a contract.
If plans are in place
It is important to check the deceased's personal papers to see if they had a pre-paid funeral plan. This will usually cover the whole cost of the funeral. If there is no prepaid plan, the deceased may have had an insurance policy to cover funeral costs.
If no plans are in place
If there is no funeral plan or insurance policy, the cost of the funeral will normally be met out of any money left by the deceased.
Where money has been left, the funeral bill should be paid before any other bills or debts. Even if the bank account of the deceased has been frozen following the death it may be possible to have funds released from a bank, building society or national savings account on showing the death certificate and funeral invoice.
Sometimes relatives may need to borrow money until financial matters are sorted out and some funeral directors will allow payment to be delayed until this has happened. However, many funeral directors will require a deposit before the funeral to at least cover the costs of the 'disbursements', which are the payments they make to others on your behalf.
If the person who died has not left enough money to cover the costs of the funeral and you receive any kind of low-income benefit (e.g. income support or pension credit), you may be entitled to receive some help towards the cost of the funeral from the Department of Work & Pensions.
If you would like more information or advice on paying funeral costs, call us on 0800 195 2924.
The funeral director will give you a written estimate of the funeral costs that need to be paid. This will be made up from the funeral director's own costs and the disbursements. If you are using ITC to take care of the probate process for you, ITC will arrange for these costs to be paid on behalf of the estate as part of the service.
Click here to find out more about our probate services.
The funeral director's own charges will include:
- Looking after the person who has died until the funeral
- Funeral cars and staff
- Professional services, which includes advice and time spent working with third parties
- Cost of the coffin or casket
The funeral director may also make payments to some of the following third parties on your behalf:
- Minister, celebrant or officiant
- Doctor
- Crematorium and/or church or cemetery
- Organist
- Florist
- Newspaper notice
- Catering arrangements
Repatriation for an overseas funeral
In some cases, you may require the funeral to take place in another country, in which case there are certain legal requirements that need to be fulfilled.
If the deceased is to moved from England or Wales to Scotland, Northern Ireland, the Isle of Man and the Channel Islands, or elsewhere abroad - you will need to notify the coroner for the district in which the deceased is lying and complete a Removal Notice (form 104). You may not need permission from the procurator fiscal in Scotland - your Funeral Director will be able to advise you on this.
Often this authorisation has to be requested at least four days before the person is to be moved to give time for any enquiries to be completed. The funeral director will usually deal with the form on your behalf.
Another factor to bear in mind is cost. Caskets and embalming for repatriation have to conform to high specifications, plus there's the cost of the flight, and additional costs in the destination country.
In some instances cremation in this country with repatriation of the ashes may be an acceptable and less expensive alternative. Cremated remains can often be carried as hand luggage with a death certificate and a certificate from the crematorium, but they may need a consular seal as well.
The funeral director will be able to advise you on these choices and help with the necessary documentation.
Some funeral directors specialise in this type of work and have expertise in particular counties and airlines. You may wish to contact the relevant country's consulate for a recommendation.
If you need help finding the number of the consulate, please call us on 0800 195 2924.
Grief affects different people in different ways.
Some people feel overwhelmed and shocked by the intensity of their emotions, whilst others are simply numb.
These feeling can be even more challenging if the person experiencing them also needs to make major practical adjustments in their lifestyle.
It can often help to talk to people who have also been bereaved as they have experienced similar emotions and know that the loss of a loved one is something that changes us, and the way we understand the world.
It takes time, but eventually most people are able to make the necessary adjustments and start to look forwards.
If you are concerned that you are not coping, talk to your GP. He/she can check that there is no physical cause for the way you are feeling and refer you to a bereavement counsellor; someone who is trained in supporting people who have lost a loved one.
There are also self-help groups and other organisations such as charities which specialise in providing support to the bereaved.
If you'd like more information, please call us on 0800 195 2924 for the contact details of organisations that seem best suited to your needs.
Children can find it very difficult to understand what has happened when someone dies.
Remember to tell their teacher or nursery teacher who will keep a particular eye on them in the early days after a death and suggest the best way to deal with it, perhaps by involving the rest of their class at school.
Teachers will also have access to the advice of educational psychologists if they feel this might be helpful.
If you'd like contact details for organisations that specialise in providing support to bereaved children please call us on 0800 195 2924.
Find out more
To find out more please call us now on:
0800 195 2924